Current events: Michael Jackson needs help. Soon.

I mean, I thought he took a big, flying leap off the edge when he picketed Sony a couple of years back.

Now, though, it turns out that this is all a big plot to steal his catalog of music copyrights.

"But please know a lot of conspiracy is going on as we speak." and "It's a huge catalogue, it's very valuable and it's worth a huge amount of money, and there is a big fight going on right now as we speak about that," he said, adding he was not broke, as has been rumoured.

Mmm. Sure. Not about sexual abuse at all.

Then this:

"I was coming out of the shower and I fell on my body weight," he said.[blogger's note: Whaaa?!]

"I'm pretty fragile. All of my body weight fell against my rib cage and I bruised my lung very badly. I'm in immense pain. I'm in agonising pain."

Bizarrely, he went on to say how he was in perfect health.

"But I do my very best," he said.

"I am eating, yes I am. I don't want anyone to think I'm starving. I'm not. My health is perfect, actually."

And with that, I'm done with Michael Jackson, unless he, like, shoots up the courtroom or something. But there is one seriously damaged individual.